#breastcancer #realworld #fuckcancer

I am a liar.

When posting YouTube video or any other social media content, there is a natural desire to make that subject matter interesting to viewers or readers at almost any cost. After all, why go to the effort of publishing anything if you are not trying to capture someone’s attention for a brief moment and convince them that you have something important or unique to say. The perfection of your presented material is key even if the presenter is fraudulently creating his or her content. Go viral. Create clicks. Live the lie and cash the check, I guess.

“We are the perfect family” say ‘Chrisley Knows Best’ parents, Todd and Julie, now serving 12 years in the federal penitentiary for bank fraud. OK, Julie Frank of the popular “Eight Passengers” YouTube channel, arrested for multiple counts of alleged child abuse including wrapping duct tape around her kids ankles; allegedly. Yes, please share more of your parenting tips with us. OK, Jake Paul, YouTube mega star who records ridiculous scenarios impacting his life, though many scenarios are fabricated. It’s like reality TV when none of it is real.

While I try to bring some personal integrity to my small woodworking channel and the videos produced, I routinely make comments about my family, our home, our personal circumstances and my wood shop that only paint them in a positive light. If not specifically stated that way, then it is inferred. “Everything is wonderful and positive, all the time” is the mood I tend to embed in the videos because that’s just what you do when making video content. Nobody really wants to spend their time watching somebody else complaining. It’s just not great content and by the way, we all have problems. While we deal with our own life situations and try to remain positive and forward looking, most of us don’t want to immerse ourselves in someone else’s challenged life. Then again watching a train wreck like you’ll find on the TV series “Hoarders” or any of the “Housewives” series tends to make you feel better about yourself. “Thank God I’m not as messed up as this person.”

Family and friends are different when it comes to sharing bad “life” news. We wouldn’t be human if we didn’t care or empathize with people closest to us and with whom we have a personal connection. I’m talking about sharing personal challenges with complete strangers. I enjoy creating wood shop stuff and sharing stories about how to make those things but I really don’t want to be the next reality TV star. Coming soon; “Wood Shop Husbands of Normal but Frustrated Wives”.

And so I am admitting that when it comes to talking, writing or producing video about my wood shop, my family or me, I am just not honest about all the details and all the challenges we face from day to day. The vinyl floor tile in my new wood shop build is popping up in a couple spots. It appears that my “super deal” on this vinyl plank tile isn’t so super after all if the glue doesn’t hold. You can’t see it on camera and I won’t talk about it, but it’s there. On my men’s valet box build, I spend an entire day making a box joint jig for cutting the inner tray corners, but it failed miserably. The joints were off by the tiniest of margins and they wouldn’t fit together. I opted for splines instead in order to finish the video. My current project required me to make a long cut with a straight edge and a circular saw, only to see the saw blade walk away from the straight edge, ruining the cut. Now my dimensions for the build are forced to change as I correct the mistake you’ll never see on camera. And, my wife has cancer again.

Nice curve ball.

She contracted breast cancer about five years ago on one side in a single large mass that was unfortunately found to be triple negative or TNBC. This is one of the hardest forms of cancer to treat in that it doesn’t respond well to the newer hormonal and less invasive treatment plans. It required surgery of course but the margins around the tumor were clean, making it easier to remove with less chance of missing a piece. I guess if you have to find something positive to say about tumor removal, “clean margins” is about all I can muster. Because of the type of cancer however, she had to endure six long months of chemotherapy and radiation treatment. Watching large bags of bright orange, almost glowing liquid being infused into her veins is an image I cannot wash out of my brain. That, and cutting what what was left of her hair off with clippers tops my list of things I never want to do to a human being again. Neither of us could hold it together during that surreal 15 minutes in the bathroom.

Many of you reading this may know of someone, maybe someone close to you who has gone through a similar ordeal. My heart goes out to them. I realize I was just a passenger on that train, while my wife had to manage her way through the disease and the year. All I could do was watch, and maybe cook something once in a while that sounded good to her at the time. She was amazingly positive throughout it all, and we had a great group of doctors and nurses who were wonderful to her along the way. A year later she got to ring the bell announcing a full recovery on her way out the Oncology door.

That was four years ago.

The great thing about continuing care following a tumor removal is that there is a plan to check you out periodically and make sure nothing looks out of the ordinary. Mammograms are a big part of that follow up care and though I’m not a woman, (some might accuse me of being effeminate), periodic scans do help catch cancer early. In my wife’s case, something was spotted where the growth rate was significant when compared to the previous mammogram taken three months earlier. The cancer reemerged on her other breast, but it was somehow different.

Only a biopsy could tell what it was, and one was ordered immediately. It showed that it was of the type that could be treated hormonally with oral medication rather that the full chemotherapy regimen. Again, I guess if you had to find a good side to this new story, that was it. Surgery for tumor removal is still required and other more drastic surgical decisions may need to be made. That part of the story might take a turn for the worse.

I don’t normally talk about or write about specific family details like this because to me, it’s not fodder for someone else’s entertainment. Our wood shop videos don’t ever mention personal or family issues because the intention of our videos is to entertain and educate and maybe inspire a viewer to try one of our projects. There isn’t any point to highlighting a personal issue or problem because no one of us is immune from having them. Our problems and challenges are different from yours, but there is no such thing as a perfect life, a perfect wood shop or a perfect family.

Why write about this at all?

Good question. There are three thoughts running through my mind regarding the motivation for this blog topic and it’s best to break them down in the order of importance.

1. Recognize the bravery and humanity of my wife. She is never one to look for attention or sympathy over an injury or a disease. It isn’t her style. Somehow she musters on and maintains a positive outlook on whatever obstacle faces her. There are tears and emotions enough to fill a football stadium, but they are private between us and short lived and her focus quickly shifts to moving forward. Within the last six months she has lost her mother, gotten this diagnosis and learned about another close family member contracting cancer as well. Enough already. She has another long recovery road in front of her and I’ll be doing what I can to support her.
2. I recognize that admitting things aren’t perfect is the best path forward. I don’t want to live a lie or make it sound in my blogs or through our videos that it’s all roses and champagne, with a side of garlic-truffle fries. My wood shop and my projects experience problems and set backs, yes. Sometimes I don’t highlight those issues. It is a sin of omission. I also don’t want to shift too hard towards a “poor me” perspective. No pity party, please. I am simply not perfect but what I can do is focus on getting better with each project and be a better husband and father.
3. Writing is cathartic for me. I can’t bring myself to do a video about a topic like this. That seems monstrous and insensitive. I don’t have a huge channel or a lot of blog readers, so this may be a safer way to discuss things that consume me without making it sensational. I’ll continue to protect the personal details of my family along the way, but may from time to time talk about family members especially our new adorable granddaughter. My head was going to explode unless I found an outlet to discuss the rage experienced with this latest diagnosis. She’s been through enough. I had to write something.

I’m not sure what this means yet for our near future, or the attention I might be able to invest in the wood shop. Some of the video production impact may be related to grand parent duties and some of the impact may be do to taking care of my wife and other family needs.

Home improvement projects continue with our new(used) home including a recent roof replacement done by a great local guy, and new leaf guards on gutters that my son and I installed. Not too much of a topic for a video, but the endless home maintenance projects continue.

We visited our new granddaughter yesterday and I got to hold her, feed her and talk to her in a quiet but clear voice. She is all of five pounds but healthy and already doing those stomach crunches in an attempt to sit up or lean forward. She is strong. She has tons of hair. She is adorable. Maybe a future woodworker? Grandpa will show you how to use that jig saw!

Anyway, like with all things cathartic, I feel better now that I’ve thought about and written about these things. We recognize that our lives aren’t perfect and that like you, we have challenges that face us. Maybe it is best just to be honest about it all, at least up to the point where it is comfortable discussing a certain level of detail with people you don’t know. Maybe in reading this, it might help you realize that perfect people and families don’t exist and we are all basically the same. We have different problems and challenges but we’re all just trying to weather the storm in front of us so we can continue to move forward.

Here’s me wishing you good health, good fortune, and happiness as you continue on your own journey.

Best,

Mark – TFW