As I return from my wood shop having just finished up a couple of really cool LED table votive lights, I sat at my editing desk to unload some of that video and started to look forward to the next cool thing on my schedule; a solo trip to another state and an upcoming woodcraft expo. I also remembered back to decades ago when I used to do things like plan entire golf outings for 40 – 60 guys, including lodging and tee times and prizes and restaurant reservations. I would be gone for a weekend or an over-nighter to visit friends without feeling the pressure from my wife to call home every 15 minutes. In fact, I’ve never had a problem doing things on my own or with a group of guy friends without my wife in attendance. Let me dive into that some more.

During my early married and much younger golf outing days, I would send out advance email about upcoming outings of special rates I might be able to get at decent Michigan resorts like Treetops or Boyne. I began to notice however that there were four types of guys that would respond to my invitation. For fun I’ll classify them in descriptive terms that represent each personality.

Biker, Bowling Badass Bravado Guy: There were only a few of these guys that would participate in our group, making up the smallest percentage of attendees at any event. These guys were either already divorced, or didn’t feel like they had any commitments or restrictions hanging over them to stop them from immediately replying affirmative to the next “guy thing”. They didn’t always own a hog. For some it was a sports car or a convertible and a golf invitation to a new resort would trigger an immediate reply email asking if we would be close to a casino or a topless bar.

The Quadruple “B” guys would almost always be late to the course, barely able to scrape themselves out of bed after a night of debauchery, or just warm Jagermeister, or both. While my job was usually standing at the starter gate with clipboard in tow ushering off the foursomes at their designated times, the QB guy would pull up late for his own tee time and ask if he had time to stop at the clubhouse for a breakfast sandwich. “No, man. You’ve got to catch up to your group on the 3^rd tee”.

Guys like this didn’t ask for permission to be away from home and family. He either didn’t have a wife or girlfriend, or the basis for his entire relationship was that he expected to do what he wanted, whenever he wanted. Somehow this assertiveness and Alpha male persona was attractive to some women, maybe briefly. This same guy was out most every night on his own, bowling with the guys, or playing softball with the guys or watching Monday might football at the pub with the guys. And when it came time to collect a check for the lodging and the green fees in advance (because I had to pay a big honking deposit out of my own money to plan the event), it was these same guys who never seemed to have the money on them at the time.

Unjustly Untrustworthy, Undeserved: A large portion of our attendees seemed to own some sort of reputation with their spouses that put them under a microscope. As if they had done some unspeakable thing in the past that rendered them to be untrustworthy or that any planned activity without the wife in attendance was subject to high scrutiny and distrust. Many of these guys I knew pretty well and could honestly testify on their behalf about the purity of their souls. Alright. You got me there. Nobody’s soul is actually pure, but these were good family men who didn’t cheat on their wives, and missed their kids when they were away. Aside from some beers and a little dollar-a-game Euchre gambling, none of these dudes would be getting into any trouble at one of my golf outings.

One of my work buddies back then told me straight up that the only reason his wife let him go on a trip is because I was there, supposedly keeping an eye on things. That statement alone was kind of funny because I wasn’t a chaperone, making them all eat their vegetables and tucking them in each night. I wasn’t the devil either though I’d skip the strip club in favor of a sports bar or a little group singing at the Irish pub. Some of our group took off immediately after golf to the local Casino or the Kitty Cat Club, but most of us just wanted a good burger, a glass of beer and to trade some really bad jokes.

Our regular guys would tell others about our trips and first timers who fell into the Triple “U” category would stick out like sore thumbs. One year I rented houses on a golf course, each sleeping eight guys. We all arrived at our house about the same time and a couple guys upon finding a bunk and dropping off their stuff were immediately on the phone with their wives for an extended accounting of what was simply a car ride to the resort. 30 minutes of “Yeah, this place is nice”, followed by “No I’m sharing a room with Dave”, followed by silence, followed by a request that we all say hello to prove that he was actually there with other guys. “HI MELODY”, we all shouted at the same time. (The woman’s name was changed to protect the innocent). At the end of the call, or so we surmised, one gentleman appeared flustered and got quiet. He looked around the room to see everyone had started to watch him. “I can’t talk right now, we’re all in the living room… You know I do. I can’t”. We all knew what she was asking for. Almost on cue, we all started to call out, “SAY IT”. He finally succumbed with, “I love you too”. He was badgered over that call the entire weekend. The untrustworthy label was undeserved.

Battered, Buttered and Bartered: About half of our attendees fell into this category. This guy could actually attend our golf outing, but only after providing all the specifics of the event including cost in order to gain spousal permission. This would be a major event in the man’s life at least for the period of one year. One approved weekend trip without family or spouse in tow. One brief respite from the year long commitments associated with kids or just his wife. This would be a negotiation.

Our triple “B” guys, not to be confused with our Quadruple “B” guys, weren’t really considered untrustworthy or at least relationships with spouses were healthier in that regard. These guys were simply caught in a situation where their wives really didn’t get a break from work or the kids, or cooking or cleaning when hubby was away. It didn’t seem fair that he would be asking for time away especially when she would be stuck at home doing all that family stuff on her own. And so, a payoff would need to be negotiated. She needed to be buttered up and a barter transaction would be required. The cost of that transaction would usually be commensurate with the cost of the golf outing. “No problem sweetie… I like that new leather buckled bag from Coach anyway.

It would be an amicable barter. Both sides got what they wanted but it would be a rare occurrence. Our guys would only be able to pull off a weekend like this once a year.

Friendly, Favorable, and Fortuitous: Finally, there’s guys like me. Lucky guys really. Less drama. More freedom. Happiness on both sides of the marital equation. A balanced emotional math problem.

Ever since we started dating, even before marriage, my wife and I have had an agreement on equity. There wouldn’t be any of this militant review of your intentions or your activities so long as there was trust between us. If I wanted to take a weekend photography trip with a buddy out west, there was a fair trade expected for my bride to also have a weekend to herself to do whatever she wanted. She watched the kids and took care of activity carpooling while I was away, and I took over all the family stuff while she was away. Sometimes her trades involved shopping trips with her sisters, other times it was a weekend off to do whatever she wanted knowing I had the house and kids covered.

I really only did one big golf outing a year, while other times it was just an afternoon to do something I wanted, while I owed her a future day off in trade. This marital equity deal makes hobbies and activities easy to enjoy provided you’re being fair with money and time. I’ll admit there are times when I looked to acquire a new tool for the wood shop, and there would need to be a trade discussion before the purchase. Yes, she also had a penchant for leather items from Coach. At least we have an outlet store near us to save a few bucks there. But this friendly equity agreement keeps the friction down and still allows us to do things we want to do separately. We still travel and spend money on things together all the time, but that too fits in the equity equation.

I mention all this as a means to get back to the opening paragraph of this blog. I am actually planning a weekend trip out of state to go to a wood expo / wood craft show with an old work buddy. It won’t be all that expensive and we don’t have kids to take care of anymore but I’ll be away just the same. As soon as I talked about wanting to go to this thing, she threw her hands up in the air declaring “Girls Weekend!”. In a matter of hours, she had managed to reach out to her sisters and a couple local friends, as well as our adult daughters to bunk at our house in preparation for a weekend of antique store shopping. Yahoo. Antiques. But, a fair trade is a fair trade.

I think more couples young and old should consider adopting a similar marital equity stance on time away from your spouse. Let me clarify that. It’s not that you are begging for time away from your spouse. If that’s the case I’m pretty sure the whole marital equity thing won’t work for you. Trust and some mutual love and respect needs to be there first, but I think you already know what I mean. It does work and it takes the stress away from asking for time away to do stuff your spouse probably isn’t interested in anyway. Using my photo trip as an example, I’m pretty sure my wife wouldn’t have been interested in spending 3 days in the deserts of Arizona and Utah shooting cactus and rock formation pictures in the heat. And… I’m pretty sure I’d rather be at a wood expo than spending two days loafing around antique stores.

I mean, I would be loafing. My wife and her sisters and friends will be excitedly exploring amazing antiques. “Shut up, man. You got your weekend trip…”